There’s a whole lot of history re marriage and the economic security tied to it and worldwide. Western culture added romance to picture somewhere along the way. In reality marriage is a civil contract with all kinds of laws and tax implications attached. It’s why divorces are so expensive and why ethical family law attorneys will recommend a therapist to deal with the emotional toil and heartbreak aspects or the overall cost can become problematic for some. It was for me 16 years ago.
At 62 now, it astounds me that cultural conditioning was so strong in my youth that I had boyfriends and then a husband from ages 14-46. Never was single living even something thought to be an acceptable route.
I’ve rebuilt my life from the ground up since my divorce and have learned to be independent in all aspects. It’s been a project but also a satisfying and amazing journey and a life I never ever knew existed. I will never marry again. Ever.
I also, however, have a love life. A companion. We are both living independently with our own lives and do not mingle many aspects because they are working for each of us independently. We enjoy a healthy sexual chemistry, good meals, political debates, and light travel here and there.
This is inspiring (and relatable). I may not have a love life again, but I'm absolutely okay with that, and I think that attitude is a foundation to ever having a successful relationship again.
Agree. The love life I describe isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I need a ton of solitude and alone time and so the stars have to align perfectly for us to get together and truly enjoy one another’s presence. Too much becomes too much quickly for me. The thought of ending it, however, brings me great discomfort. I have learned alot about myself from the relationship. It’s a ying-yang thing for sure.
I get it! It would take a lot for me to sacrifice my alone time; and even the best relationships have friction. I dealt with that for decades and am protective of my serenity now.
Agree. I waffle back and forth on ending it all together because he wants more than I can give. Time will tell. Thanks for the nice chat about this topic.
I can certainly relate to a lot of this. I have always had a sense of being trapped while married. Stuck in constant negotiation (and with someone incompatible - yikes), stuck waiting it out for the kids to grow up, stuck working a job to pay the bills, etc. For the first time in my life at 63, I am free. And I am very protective of it. I will NEVER get in a relationship or lifestyle where I feel trapped again.
Of course men have improved outcomes when married. If I had a maid, cook and nurse, I would have greater happiness as well. Many married women I think are sick of all the caretaking, but hey, that’s what’s been bred into us, so this is what we do. And by the time you have done this for 40 years, peeling it all away is no easy feat.
“What do I want?” does not seem to even be possible, if we can even conceive of asking that question at all! It’s “what do the kids want, what does my husband want, what do my parents want, what does the church want, what do my in-laws want..and on and on”
I must say, I am giving myself a pretty big pat on the back for saying fuck all of this, peace out.✌️ It was the hardest thing I have ever done that came with pressures to stay, with having people shun me, for being labeled as “disloyal”, etc. But I am the one dying in about 30ish years, and I’m not going out being a traitor to myself! Yeah ME! I did it!
I enjoy reading your thoughts on the subject of modern day marriage. And it sure was different when we were staring out. Mostly I feel so grateful to be older and wiser but not dead yet. I think this is the sweet spot!!
I did everything I was supposed to do in the order I was supposed to do it, and never once did I stop to ask myself if that's what I actually wanted. Since I ticked all the boxes, now I get to do what I want. This resonated with me so much.
Another spot on post! I spent my life in and out of relationships (and 2 failed marriages). And I changed, with each relationship, to fit the mold that was expected of me. I was happy for a bit. But then dissatisfaction set in. And I thought I was lonely when I didn’t have a man. Turns out I was lonely because I couldn’t see myself. I’m 57 now, happily single, NOT lonely, and having the time of my life just being free!!! And just like you said, I still believe in love and if a relationship that fits crosses my path in the future, I might consider it. But I will probably never marry again and right now I’m having too much fun and such a large life now on my own! Thank you so much for your post affirms that I’m not the only one out there. I appreciate you so much!!
Great article, Jennifer. I guess I'm just a quicker learner than you. After a five year marriage when I was in my early 20's and two kids a year apart, I became a born-again single At 82 I'm still a born-again single. I've loved it. Becoming my own person. Making my own decisions. Being with other people when I choose. That may sound selfish, but it's taken me through seven careers and 3 countries. You didn't mention children??? I made a similar comment months ago to someone else's article and my comment to date has received almost 250 likes, comments and restacks. Yes, it's obviously different strokes for different folks. My friend who just celebrated her 68th anniversary, said, "If I come back to this life, all I want is a vibrator and a dog." Amen. Blue💙
After two failed marriages, I used to think I had a bad picker, or maybe it was because I was "selfish", which according to my mother is a horrible crime. Or maybe I am "bitter" as my 24 year old daughter thinks I am. Nope, just not cut out for a life of servitude, control, and putting everyone else's needs before my own. The second marriage ended when I was 46. I'm 62 now and enjoying the peace, not selfish or bitter at all.
I identify with this so much! One of my closest friends said to me once, “Men have historically not brought joy to my life so I choose to remain single and pursue the things that bring me joy!” I keep that conversation top of mind. ❤️
I ve known what I’ve always wanted …to be my own person, to have accomplished certain things, get education, free time etc and for the most part I’ve been able to do that plus have a marriage
a wonderful child( adult now).
But now I’m totally free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, no judgement. Sure I wish spouse could share my life with me but he’s gone and I plan to have my life now for moi.
Unfortunately my spouse passed recently..and i will miss him greatly, however, at my age I plan to remain solo but I’ve found it’s hard to tell people that as they don’t understand. A lot of women think you need to get fixed up with someone right away or constantly have your schedule full with friends but now it’s my life, my time, and I now have the time to do whatever I want, no bosses to acct to just myself .
One friend totally gets it..we meet every so often..but a few others are beside themselves. An in-law, in particular ( sil) is very toxic. She showed her true colors to me several times during my spouses home Hospice with me and at the funeral. I never had a rel. with her, she was always very short with me and only wanted to talk to her brother.
When he was well and when he was ill. She tried to boss me around in his hospital and other similar things. She be became vindictive to me after I stood up for myself and told her to stop the behavior.
( I was his caregiver for 3 yrs)
I’m cutting out the toxins in my life incl. her and she’s furious.
( I have no reason to comm. With her,,she’s hateful to me anyway and she pulled a bunch of other stuff at the services and after.
She went behind my back to my son to complain about me..and now after spouse has been gone 4 mos, she’s complaining to our old couple friends that she can’t get ahold of me,,( she knows, she’s not stupid but she plays drama queen victim)( she lives 9 hrs away- this is all by phone)
The interesting thing is the toxic people wanted nothing to do with you until they found you were solo and free. Kind of like when you have free time that’s really yours , people come out of the woodwork to get your time..some are genuine but some are nosy or just want you to be at their beck and call.
Anyway…I’m ready for my 2 nd chance now..I, almost 70.
I love hearing about other solo people traveling or doing other things on their own.,
This resonates with me too! I dated a lot in my teens and 20s but never long term, so when I met my husband at 27, I thought I needed to stick it out. Marriage is work, right? I stayed for another 6 years, miserable except for having two beautiful children. I then spent the next 11 years operating as a solo parent (and high school teacher) and yet still managing the fallout for his continued bad behavior until his sudden death when our kids were teens. I tried dating during that period but my tolerance for BS was low and it often came down to whether someone was worth getting a sitter for!
That was seven years ago and I’m still single and loving it even more. I feel like myself again in ways I never did when I was married.
I relate to this as well. I am almost 50 and have been single for almost 10 years. I sometimes, think something is wrong with me as well, but I am happiest alone. I’m also an RN and have been a mother since I was 20, so my whole life has been caring for others, much like you. Thank you for posting. 🫶🏼
I really relate to this piece; I'm twice divorced and now in my last third of life. I'm also single and have "built the life" I want. I'm wildly happy about that. I don't know if I'll ever meet someone again, but I sure am not looking (anymore).
There’s a whole lot of history re marriage and the economic security tied to it and worldwide. Western culture added romance to picture somewhere along the way. In reality marriage is a civil contract with all kinds of laws and tax implications attached. It’s why divorces are so expensive and why ethical family law attorneys will recommend a therapist to deal with the emotional toil and heartbreak aspects or the overall cost can become problematic for some. It was for me 16 years ago.
At 62 now, it astounds me that cultural conditioning was so strong in my youth that I had boyfriends and then a husband from ages 14-46. Never was single living even something thought to be an acceptable route.
I’ve rebuilt my life from the ground up since my divorce and have learned to be independent in all aspects. It’s been a project but also a satisfying and amazing journey and a life I never ever knew existed. I will never marry again. Ever.
I also, however, have a love life. A companion. We are both living independently with our own lives and do not mingle many aspects because they are working for each of us independently. We enjoy a healthy sexual chemistry, good meals, political debates, and light travel here and there.
This is inspiring (and relatable). I may not have a love life again, but I'm absolutely okay with that, and I think that attitude is a foundation to ever having a successful relationship again.
Agree. The love life I describe isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I need a ton of solitude and alone time and so the stars have to align perfectly for us to get together and truly enjoy one another’s presence. Too much becomes too much quickly for me. The thought of ending it, however, brings me great discomfort. I have learned alot about myself from the relationship. It’s a ying-yang thing for sure.
I get it! It would take a lot for me to sacrifice my alone time; and even the best relationships have friction. I dealt with that for decades and am protective of my serenity now.
Agree. I waffle back and forth on ending it all together because he wants more than I can give. Time will tell. Thanks for the nice chat about this topic.
I love this message. There is absolutely nothing wrong with creating a beautiful life on your own.
I can certainly relate to a lot of this. I have always had a sense of being trapped while married. Stuck in constant negotiation (and with someone incompatible - yikes), stuck waiting it out for the kids to grow up, stuck working a job to pay the bills, etc. For the first time in my life at 63, I am free. And I am very protective of it. I will NEVER get in a relationship or lifestyle where I feel trapped again.
Of course men have improved outcomes when married. If I had a maid, cook and nurse, I would have greater happiness as well. Many married women I think are sick of all the caretaking, but hey, that’s what’s been bred into us, so this is what we do. And by the time you have done this for 40 years, peeling it all away is no easy feat.
“What do I want?” does not seem to even be possible, if we can even conceive of asking that question at all! It’s “what do the kids want, what does my husband want, what do my parents want, what does the church want, what do my in-laws want..and on and on”
I must say, I am giving myself a pretty big pat on the back for saying fuck all of this, peace out.✌️ It was the hardest thing I have ever done that came with pressures to stay, with having people shun me, for being labeled as “disloyal”, etc. But I am the one dying in about 30ish years, and I’m not going out being a traitor to myself! Yeah ME! I did it!
You deserve the pat on the back. I will add another. Well done for choosing yourself
Thank you! I plan to stay at the top of my list!
Haha "peace out"! Love that and I did the same thing!
I enjoy reading your thoughts on the subject of modern day marriage. And it sure was different when we were staring out. Mostly I feel so grateful to be older and wiser but not dead yet. I think this is the sweet spot!!
I did everything I was supposed to do in the order I was supposed to do it, and never once did I stop to ask myself if that's what I actually wanted. Since I ticked all the boxes, now I get to do what I want. This resonated with me so much.
Another spot on post! I spent my life in and out of relationships (and 2 failed marriages). And I changed, with each relationship, to fit the mold that was expected of me. I was happy for a bit. But then dissatisfaction set in. And I thought I was lonely when I didn’t have a man. Turns out I was lonely because I couldn’t see myself. I’m 57 now, happily single, NOT lonely, and having the time of my life just being free!!! And just like you said, I still believe in love and if a relationship that fits crosses my path in the future, I might consider it. But I will probably never marry again and right now I’m having too much fun and such a large life now on my own! Thank you so much for your post affirms that I’m not the only one out there. I appreciate you so much!!
Yes, sister!
I hear ya!
Great article, Jennifer. I guess I'm just a quicker learner than you. After a five year marriage when I was in my early 20's and two kids a year apart, I became a born-again single At 82 I'm still a born-again single. I've loved it. Becoming my own person. Making my own decisions. Being with other people when I choose. That may sound selfish, but it's taken me through seven careers and 3 countries. You didn't mention children??? I made a similar comment months ago to someone else's article and my comment to date has received almost 250 likes, comments and restacks. Yes, it's obviously different strokes for different folks. My friend who just celebrated her 68th anniversary, said, "If I come back to this life, all I want is a vibrator and a dog." Amen. Blue💙
YES!
After two failed marriages, I used to think I had a bad picker, or maybe it was because I was "selfish", which according to my mother is a horrible crime. Or maybe I am "bitter" as my 24 year old daughter thinks I am. Nope, just not cut out for a life of servitude, control, and putting everyone else's needs before my own. The second marriage ended when I was 46. I'm 62 now and enjoying the peace, not selfish or bitter at all.
I identify with this so much! One of my closest friends said to me once, “Men have historically not brought joy to my life so I choose to remain single and pursue the things that bring me joy!” I keep that conversation top of mind. ❤️
Excellent handle! I’m in the midst of my own midlife anti crisis
I ve known what I’ve always wanted …to be my own person, to have accomplished certain things, get education, free time etc and for the most part I’ve been able to do that plus have a marriage
a wonderful child( adult now).
But now I’m totally free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, no judgement. Sure I wish spouse could share my life with me but he’s gone and I plan to have my life now for moi.
Unfortunately my spouse passed recently..and i will miss him greatly, however, at my age I plan to remain solo but I’ve found it’s hard to tell people that as they don’t understand. A lot of women think you need to get fixed up with someone right away or constantly have your schedule full with friends but now it’s my life, my time, and I now have the time to do whatever I want, no bosses to acct to just myself .
One friend totally gets it..we meet every so often..but a few others are beside themselves. An in-law, in particular ( sil) is very toxic. She showed her true colors to me several times during my spouses home Hospice with me and at the funeral. I never had a rel. with her, she was always very short with me and only wanted to talk to her brother.
When he was well and when he was ill. She tried to boss me around in his hospital and other similar things. She be became vindictive to me after I stood up for myself and told her to stop the behavior.
( I was his caregiver for 3 yrs)
I’m cutting out the toxins in my life incl. her and she’s furious.
( I have no reason to comm. With her,,she’s hateful to me anyway and she pulled a bunch of other stuff at the services and after.
She went behind my back to my son to complain about me..and now after spouse has been gone 4 mos, she’s complaining to our old couple friends that she can’t get ahold of me,,( she knows, she’s not stupid but she plays drama queen victim)( she lives 9 hrs away- this is all by phone)
The interesting thing is the toxic people wanted nothing to do with you until they found you were solo and free. Kind of like when you have free time that’s really yours , people come out of the woodwork to get your time..some are genuine but some are nosy or just want you to be at their beck and call.
Anyway…I’m ready for my 2 nd chance now..I, almost 70.
I love hearing about other solo people traveling or doing other things on their own.,
Happy Trails!
The more you write, the more I think we were separated at birth.
This resonates with me too! I dated a lot in my teens and 20s but never long term, so when I met my husband at 27, I thought I needed to stick it out. Marriage is work, right? I stayed for another 6 years, miserable except for having two beautiful children. I then spent the next 11 years operating as a solo parent (and high school teacher) and yet still managing the fallout for his continued bad behavior until his sudden death when our kids were teens. I tried dating during that period but my tolerance for BS was low and it often came down to whether someone was worth getting a sitter for!
That was seven years ago and I’m still single and loving it even more. I feel like myself again in ways I never did when I was married.
I relate to this as well. I am almost 50 and have been single for almost 10 years. I sometimes, think something is wrong with me as well, but I am happiest alone. I’m also an RN and have been a mother since I was 20, so my whole life has been caring for others, much like you. Thank you for posting. 🫶🏼
I really relate to this piece; I'm twice divorced and now in my last third of life. I'm also single and have "built the life" I want. I'm wildly happy about that. I don't know if I'll ever meet someone again, but I sure am not looking (anymore).
Fantastic message that I wish I had considered after my divorce.